Hajime
by Yukiko-Angel
Summary: being first ... that's all he wanted [SXJ, finished]
1. Chapter 1

Title: Hajime 

Author: Yukiko Angel

Rating: PG-13

Pairing(s): Seto/Jou

Status: one-shot, may have a sequel

Spoilers: Errs, surely. I'm taking some information inside the series

Disclaimer: tap her foot no I don't own them. You see, I couldn't be the one doing them for a simple reason. I don't know Japanese.

Summary: He simply wanted to be first.

Author's Note: This is an idea I had, thinking about how Jou never end up first, even how hard he's trying too.

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He never had been a first at anything.

He wasn't smart enough to be first in class, fast enough for races and not strong enough in his PE class.

But he lived with it.

Being second, third or fourth never really meant to him a lots, his father wouldn't be congratulating him anyway, sober or drunk. His friends would still likes him and tell him "how good he did" and "better luck next time". Not that he cared.

He tried once really hard to be first, not for him but for his sister, and managed again fourth place. Out of pity, he felt, his best friend gave him the great prizes for his sibling.

It was the first time he felt the need to be first at something, that now, third place wasn't enough anymore. He knew at that moment he would never be content with third or fourth, not even second.

So he tried hard, he really did. He studied more, practised more, even read those damn books about strategy to get thought duelling.

But when he saw that those first places were already taken, he changed his plan.

He tried something else. With his Dragon, he thought he would be at least is first named enemy, he insulted him, fight with him, even prank him! But that place was again taken by his best friend or best friend's darker self.

Later, he became his dragon's mate. At this instant, he felt like he was the first, the first in his dragon's heart as it was for his. Only, he learned later he was only third, behind a sibling and a company.

So he tried other sort of first, for example first kiss.

It was given to a little girl he liked back in the orphanage.

He tried being is first time, thinking maybe he never did, like himself.

No, he has give it, both way, to his first boyfriend and love.

He learned again he wasn't a First. In the beginning, he tried not to care. He was happy, loved and his mate took cared of anything he would want, but he never care asking. He didn't want anything, he only needed to be first at something, anything.

Only, after a while his desired, need to be first started to affect his comportment. He became moody; sometime he would be caught day-dreaming or sighting, other he would be irritate and even means to his friends.

They wouldn't understand, they couldn't understand. They were fame, they were first, and they were what he needed to be.

And lately the bad temper he had started to worried our favourite master of dragon. What the hell was wrong with his puppy? His usual carefree and jovial boyfriend would be found sulking in a guest room, and lately less in THEIR bed.

Not that he wanted his puppy in their bed all the time, no he would never admit it, but most of the time would be a good beginning. Sadly, if his lover wasn't in their bed, he couldn't really call him his lover.

So tonight he would know what was wrong with him.

puppyXdragon

AN : I haven't been able to continue this lately, but I hoped that by posting it, and receiving review I will be able to finish it.   
I can't decide between a good ending and a "bad" ending. What's your idea ? 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Hajime 

Author: Yukiko Angel

Rating: PG-13

Pairing(s): Seto/Jou

Beta : Kuschr

Spoilers: Errs, surely. I'm taking some information inside the series

Disclaimer: tap her foot no I don't own them. You see, I couldn't be the one doing them for a simple reason. I don't know Japanese.

Summary: He simply wanted to be first.

Author's Note: Okay, this is more than the last time that's sure. I know Seto is quite OOC … I cannot quite picture him in my mind nice or anything like that sight but I'm trying.

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He was sitting there, eyes unfocused on scene outside of his haven, where people who weren't him were first.

He should forget about this obsession of his, he knew he should. Obsessions weren't healthy, obsessions were sometimes deadly. Obsessions could change a man for the worse. Only, he never listen to anyone, did he.

So, he sat philosophizing on everything and nothing with himself about how life was unfair, how some people had things while others didn't , and how faith was unfair. He was so lost in his thought he never heard his lover enter the room. He felt him when both strong arms encircled him. He "hned", acknowledging the other's presence without saying a word more.

This action startled the CEO. His big-mouth lover acting like ... like ... him? It definitely has to stop right there.

"Puppy ..."

"Hm ..."

He opened his mouth, only to close it again.

He never needed to be the one to start a conversation before, his enthusiastic lover usually did all the conversing by himself. Opening his mouth once again, Kaiba tried the first thing that came his mind

"How .. was your day love ?"

This would do .. for now. But how long would it last.

"Pfff, normal, even boring. It's probably nothing important compared to yours."

Jonouchi humpfed again. Maybe this wasn't the right way to start. It was harder than the other had thought. He felt some respect for his lover, now, knowing the feeling his bad mood gave to others.

Seto wasn't a man used to talking freely about his thoughts nor was he someone to ignore something. He was used to getting it straight out. Only this time he felt ... unable to, vulnerable to his lover's pain. His lover was hurt and he couldn't find a thing to rectified it.

"Love, I like hearing what you've done in your daytime. It makes me forget about my day."

"Yeah, but," Jou sighed "sometimes I feel I am always telling you the same old boring thing."

Boring? The time he had to save that gigantic cat out of their neighbor's tree was less than boring. To hear his love relating that hysterical anecdote about how, he thought, the old lady faked the incident by putting the poor frightened cat up there only to check his ass, made his crappy day better. To see him chatting animatedly about a simple incident, his eyes sparkling with suppressed laughter and a smile that rivaled the sun would have made any shitty day better.

His puppy was his constant ray of love. He may never be the first in his heart, his brother will always take that place, but he was the one making it beat.

"Puppy ..."

"What ?"

"If you were boring would I still be with you? If you were always telling me the same thing, would I ever bother to ask you the same question? And if something was wrong with me, you would expect from me honesty. And that is what I'm asking from you right now, honesty. What is wrong with you lately?"

He felt his love jump in his arms, as if he was surprise by his words.

"It's .."

"Don't you DARE tell me it's nothing."

Jou's eyes went wide as Seto turned him to face him.

"I asked you what. Is WRONG. I don't wish to hear your bullshit about how it is nothing or it's not important. Can't you get through your thick head that what ever is wrong may make sense to me? That it may be important to me? That I may NEED to know what is currently occupying you so much that you are neglecting your friends, your family and even me? So I'll ask it one more time: What is wrong with you?"

He couldn't stand not knowing what was going on, the feeling of ignorance was leading to the one of incompetence.

"I ... I ..."

"You what"

" I .. I'm sorry it's just ...I dunno Seto. It's just ... Every time I'm trying to be the best, someone is beating me so when I decide to try something else I always find someone better than me and even when I'm trying hard I don't succeed and then ... I don't and I don't and DAMMIT I'm tired of it. If I try hard it's not enough, I'm not enough ..."

He slapped him.

Eyes wide open Jou looked at Seto. He slapped him. Seto slapped him.

"Why ..."

"You needed one, you were going on into a self-pity act. I know you are better than this, it is why I wanted to go out with you. Stop this "I-am-not-good-enough" monologue. So what, you're not first, but you're good enough. Hasn't it cross your mind that maybe, maybe you didn't needed to be first at something to be good? If you need this so much, you are not who I think you are."

Jou stayed there, emotionless as Seto continued his regain.

"The world is not all nice and fluffy Jou. Your friend is the best example of all. Yugi, that twerp, is looking all innocent and all but he needs a darker side to stay so. If he were normal he would still have that darker side. You're picturing that crazy idealistic world around your friends thinking that being first is the thing to do. You can't see the achievement, the pleasure of doing something, of succeeding. If one thing can put you down, you'll never succeed your goal."

He started seeing red, panting halfway through the tirade, which gave Jou a chance to interject a single "But...". Both hands were on each side of Jou's head, press on the cold window.

"No, no buts. Can't you see? You forget your real goal half way? You never cared before because your reasons weren't centered on it. You ...dammit JOU!"

The moment after was followed by a second of silence, then two before soft sob broke it. Seto took his crying puppy in his arm, trying to comfort him the best he could.

It was what was needed. They embrace each other, the need to touch each other, to feel the other's heartbeat was strong in both of them.

"Love it's okay ... shh I'm here. I'll be okay. Shh love, I'm there. Listen love, there is a difference between being the best, and being your best. And being your best is all you ever need to be. I'm not with you because your the first at something, I choose you because you're always doing your best. As it is to cheer me up, be a good big brother for both Mokuba and Shizuka or for being a friend. You're not someone who let himself get down easily. This isn't you, this isn't the man I love. You don't need to be the first in my heart love, because you're the only one who is keeping it alive."

He took a deep breath, his hand reaching up to caress a red cheek, wet with tears.

"You tried your best to save Shizuka's eyes, and you did. You helped the pharaoh getting where he is now, always trying to help your friends when needed. Sometimes helping them before doing anything for yourself first. You gave me a chance at love, with you. You always give your best, and that's how others see you, as the best."

"Sorry to be silly ..."

"No Jou, it's okay."

"Just ... just hug me for a moment. Please."

They stayed there next to the window, for an hour until they watched the sun go down on that day.

"Tomorrow can only get better Puppy, but let's keep tonight just for us."

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Thanks Kschur for Help and Beta, Thanks Shippo for the nice sentence, Thanks Mofaf1, Leann Shadow Dancer and Maggiemay for support and most of all, thank you all for your insanity which is keeping me sane .

And for you Shippo, the fluffy ending.


End file.
